Jay's Campaign War Chest Sets New Record

With presidential fund raising efforts in full-swing, Jay Leno's campaign war chest has set a new record by remaining at $0 for the eighth consecutive week. This is the first time in the history of American politics that an undeclared and unaware candidate has raised so little money.

"It's simply amazing," said one undisclosed Democratic candidate, "how can a presidential candidate not raise any money? You'd think someone would make a mistake and send them a contribution."

That almost happened. Rumors of a donation received by the Leno for President Campaign were running rampant as late as last week when an unidentified piece of mail was slipped under the door of campaign headquarters. The rumor turned out to be false. An unofficially uninformed spokesman for Jay, who declined to be quoted, said the beige envelope contained nothing but an expired coupon for an Arby's roast beef sandwich. "But, it was a close call," he said. "If that coupon hadn't been expired, we'd have been in big trouble."

To date, no effort has been made seek matching federal campaign funds.