Obama Raises $32.5 Million, But Jay Holds the Record for Being the "Man to Beat"

Presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama reported that he raised a record $32.5 million during the second quarter of the year, enough to make him the top money raiser among Democrats. Unfortunately for Obama, that record has been totally eclipsed by the Jay Leno for President campaign, which just surpassed a political milestone by becoming the first campaign in U.S. history to raise $0 for a candidate who hasn't even acknowledged he's running.

Political analysts are stunned by the Jay report. "So Obama raises thirty million bucks in three months, big deal." said one prominent analyst, "It's not big news, because every candidate is raising money. But the Jay Leno for President campaign has been going on for over five months, with millions of supporters, and it still hasn't raised a dime. That's nothing short of amazing!"

"We don't get it," commented an unidentified insider at the Barack Obama campaign. "We raise over $30 million in a quarter, $10 million more than Hillary, and yet the Jay Leno for President campaign still claims the lead. How the hell do they do it?"

Indeed, while the Democratic and Republican presidential candidates bilk, fleece, and soak tens of millions of dollars monthly from their financially sleepwalking supporters, the Jay Leno for President campaign rolls along at near-warp speed picking up new supporters at every turn without having to ask anyone for money.

"Our whole plan from the very beginning has been to raise consciousness, not money," said Jay Leno for President campaign chairman, Howard Lester. "Think about why other candidates have to raise so much money. They do it to package, market, and sell political ideas and personal agendas that are inherently disagreeable to most American voters. People would pay absolutely no attention to these candidates without their onslaught of distasteful campaign ads, meaningless mailings, grass-choking yard-signs, and media circus acts. By the time the election finally rolls around, voters are completely worn out by the hundreds of millions of dollars uselessly spent trying to curry their favor. In the end, people are so fed up with the whole campaign, they generally vote for the 'least worst' candidate just to get it over with."

"Compare that scenario to the Jay Leno for President campaign," chairman Lester continues. "People already love and support Jay Leno. Tens of millions invite The Tonight Show into their lives every night, just to hear what Jay has to say. There are no pretense or hidden agendas in Jay's monologues or celebrity interviews, nothing that's disagreeable or unintended. What you watch is what you get: Honest, true, hard-hitting, funny, and genuine. Who needs to spend millions to re-package that? Jay's message is alright as is. That's why we don't have to raise or spend any money in the Jay Leno for President campaign. How could money, any amount of money, make Jay Leno any more likeable to the American people than he already is? That's why Jay would make the perfect presidential candidate and that's why we need to draft him as soon as possible."

Most media observers remain baffled by the success of the Jay Leno for President campaign. With no money raised or spent, the campaign has ended up on the tip of the collective American tongue more often and with greater approbation than the campaigns of all the Republican and Democratic candidates combined. Regardless how much money presidential hopefuls toss into the political fires trying to burn their messages into the public's consciousness, the Jay Leno for President campaign, and the simple hope it offers to America, has found a way to keep Jay first in the minds and hearts of his countrymen.

The next step is for Jay to accept the draft and declare is candidacy for president. Stay tuned.